


Baby Don't Hurt Me

by Castia



Category: Five Nights at Freddy's
Genre: Cop Fritz, Cop Vincent, Cops and Criminals AU, Criminal Scott, Lotsa crack-, M/M, OCs - Freeform, cop Mike
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-23
Packaged: 2019-05-27 06:20:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15018527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castia/pseuds/Castia
Summary: Mike and Vincent are partners to fight crime.But boy, they haven't seen crime that looks so sweet.





	1. Thieves Everywhere!

" Vincent, if you eat all those donuts, you'll turn into Fritz! "

" I need to eat the loneliness away, Schmidt! " the grape whined, stuffing his face with the round treat. " It's the fifth girl that left me, I don't know whyyyyy! "

" You're over emotional like a girl on her PMS, you're purple AND you fuck toasters. Soon, you being fat, will be on that list too! " Vincent pouted at Mike who squinted at him.

" You... could've held back on that a bit... "

" Like you're holding back on those donuts, fuckface? " Both rolled their eyes. " Why the hell are we waiting here? Nothing is happening and I'm bored as fuck. " Mike checked his watch. They've been positioned at a random corner in town. For over  _TWO HOURS._

" Well, people don't like me because I fuck toasters and people don't like you because you sound like you need to have your mouth washed with toast and the holy bible. "

" What makes you say that?? "

" Oh, maybe because of the comment you made yesterday about me having tiny grapes and a mini eggplant! " the shorter man chuckled at that response.

" In my defence, I made you sound bigger than you actually are. "

" You are an asshole. "

" So I've been told. " 

That's when both heard a typical lady scream as someone in a black hoodie was running past them carrying a purse. Who ever it was, was shorter than Vincent but taller than Mike. The  lady screamed about being robbed and cops blinked. Then nodded, pursuing the one who ran past them. As they ran, Vincent didn't refrain himself from making lots of... comments, despite the thief holding a baseball bat and within earshot of him.

" Damn, look at that ass! And those legs! Slender~! I'd fuck that- "

" Goddamn it, shut the hell up!! " They finally backed the thief to a corner. " Huh. You don't see many girl thieves running around unless you're in a movie or fanfiction. Atleast, I haven't seen any. " Both approached the lady. " Hoodie down. "

" Yeah, I wanna see that pretty face~! " Mike rose a hand and smacked Vincent upside the head-

" Ignore him. He's an idiot. Ma'am, please remove the hoodie or we're tazing you. " the thief sighed. Letting her hoodie fall down, revealing long red fluffy hair and a face mask.

" Kinky lookin'. How old are you, 16? You look like a 16 year old trying to show daddy the middle finger. " Vincent walked over. Holding a hand out. " Give the purse back and turn around. " Green eyes stared at the man in purple. Then the shorter in the blue uniform. She held the purse over... then rose her bat and whacked Vincent over the head.

" As if! Damn purple creep! " She uttered as she ran past him. Mike stood in the way. Slightly bent over and ready to grab her- but she hopped up and pushed his head down so he'd stumble as she just jumped over him. " Stay down! " and she kept running. 

" Jesus christ! " Mike groaned, gripping his head and turning around- the thief wasn't there. " ... We lost her. "

" What?? We never lost someone before- "

" Yeah, that's because we haven't had a 'before' in AGES. They took my gun away because the boss was worried I'd shoot you- "

" You wouldn't do that. "

" Debatable. AND they're sure as hell ain't giving someone a gun who has fucked a toaster! You might accidentaly shoot your dick! " the bald man huffed as he walked back to the car. " C'mon, let's put on some music. We can go home in like- four or five more hours.

" I wish I could bring my cats. "

" I wish I can beat people up. Like that thief. " Vincent stared at him with wide eyes. " Oh, I thought out-loud. "

" That's police brutality! Plus, it was a lady! You can't hit a lady! Unless she kicks my cats. My cats and the toaster. " Mike rolled his eyes with a chuckle.

" Dumbass. " and the grape smiled. Putting on some music.

* * *

The two cops drove around town a bit. Vincent hummed to the tune of Country Roads. They were behind a truck which was.

Well.

The way that person drove, just pissed Mike off.

" FUCKING HELL, LEARN HOW TO DRIVE YOU MORONIC PIECE OF SHI- "

" Mike, calm down- "

" NO, HE'S WAY TOO FUCKING SLOW AND HE'S FUCKING SHOWING ME THE MIDDLE FINGER RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK, IF THIS KEEPS UP THEN I'M GONNA ARREST HIS SORRY FUCKING ASS- " just as the bald man was about to end his death threat, from the window of the truck, someone flew back and against the wind shield.

The thief!!

Both cops stared in silence for a minute or two before SCREAMING. Quickly pulling over, getting out and handcuffing the thief who didn't even have a mask on this time.

" Hahahah! " Vincent laughed. " We caught her, we caught her! " he hopped up and down as Mike pulled the female to her feet. " Sorry, hun~! " The grape poked her cheek. " But sadly for you, we don't give up on finding criminals like- " The redhead glared at him before chomping down on the finger that poked her. Vincent froze before screaming, stomping his foot on the ground. " OW OW OW- MIKE, MIKE- ARGH! HEEEELP!! "

Mike rolled his eyes. " Idiot. " Then whacked the redhead over the head. Making her let go of the grape who put his finger into his mouth. Suckling it as he whined like a dog who got his tail stepped on.

" Hmph. " The female huffed. " Dumbass. " The two cops lead her to the back of the car. Tossing her in lazily as they were starting to drive towards a station. There was silence in the car as not even music played. " ... So. What're your names? " She asked, raising a brow as she grabbed a hair pin from her back pocket.

Starting to fiddle with the lock of the handcuff a bit.

" Why are you asking? " Mike mumbled, eyes on the traffic.

" Curiousity, mostly. " Vincent blinked before soon speaking with pride and joy.

" I'm Vincent Afton! Smooth son of a bitch, who ladies like you, would love dating...~! " He winked at her. " If you get out of your cell, you can call me~! " Mike facepalmed.

" ... Ladies like me? " The purple man nodded. " ... My name is Scott. " AAAAAAND THE CAR SCREECHED TO A HALT AS BOTH COPS CHOKED-

" YOU'RE A GUY??? " Mike sputtered as the redhead rolled his green eyes. " Oh my god, I'm fuckin' sorry for- uh- misgendering and shit- oh my fucking- "

" Holy fuck, you're a guy?? LIKE- don't get me wrong. You still have a nice ass and great eyes, fluffy lookin' hair- ah, fuck it. I'd still bang a guy like you. But jeez, couldn't you have corrected me earlier?? I feel like crap for misgendering you now! " Scott laughed, shaking his head.

" What kinda cops get distracted and all because of that? Yes, I'm a guy. But dudes. Seriously? " He smiled. " Well... now that I was misgendered by you lot for a while now, does that mean I get a 'Get out of Jail' card, or...? "

"No!" "Yes!"

Mike whacked the top of Vincent's head.

" Just because you turned out to be a guy, doesn't mean we'll let you go, dumbass. It just means that if you resist and shit, I'm allowed to beat you up! "

" ... I'm a girl- "

" Too late for that. " The bald cop huffed.

" Damn it. "

* * *

" Soooooo. You two a thing? " Mike's eye twitched as Vincent snickered. " It's okay to be a thing, y'know. No haaaate~ " Scott teased, hands placed on his lap. The cops didn't even notice that he got the cuffs off. Either they don't care or they're actually retarded. Either way, the thief didn't mind.

" We are not a thing and there will never be a fucking thing, this grape can go fuck himself. "

" Or you, Scott~! I'm still open to you- " There was a voice speaking through the walkie talkie. Something about a bank getting robbed. " Ooooh, big time thieves! Maybe you can learn a thing or two, Scott! Though... we'll still catch them. " Mike was driving towards the address of the bank.

" This'll be fun. " The redhead mumbled with a smirk.


	2. Shot in the Heart

Mike and Vincent walked towards the building.  
Speaking with the other cops.  
Apparently, it's now become a hostage situation.  
The thieves had a little child at gunpoint.  
  
" Fuckin' hell... " Mike huffed. The thieves had all the doors and windows covered. " How the fucking hell do we get in now?? " Vincent tapped his chin in thought. Then looked back and almost choked. " We can't bust the doors, he'll shoot... "  
  
" ... Mike, did we leave the- "  
  
" Vincent, shut up. I'm concentrating.  
What about a tranquilizer shot? No- wait. Windows covered. We can't get a clear shot on any of those bastards. "  
  
" Mike- "  
  
" WHAT, Vincent?? What the fuck's so important that you have to tell me in a situation like this?? "  
  
" ... I think we forgot to lock the doors in the car. "  
  
" What- " The shorter looked towards their cop car.  
The back door was wide open. " God fucking damn it- so now Scott escaped and we've got a goddamn hostage shituation. "  
  
" ... Did you just say- "  
  
" Shut up. We'll fine Scott later. " A cop squeaked. Fritz- " Fritz? What's wrong? " He was searching around his belt. " Misplaced a donut? "  
  
" My gun is gone! " The ginger answered. Fixing his glasses on his face.  
  
" Well, it didn't fucking just up and ran away! Where the fuck is it- " Shots were heard from the bank. Everyone went silent. " ... Did... D-Did they...- " The door burst open. A little girl ran out, crying as she ran to one of the police men. " ... What happened...?" Vincent walked in quickly. Tilting his head.  
  
" Helloooooo? " He spoke with a stage-whisper. Taking a few steps before he heard muffled screaming in one of the rooms. He entered to find Scott there. A gun sticking out of a pocket of his hoodie. He was tying a couple of masked men up.  
  
" Well, you're pretty late. " The redhead mused with a smirk. " They're gonna bleed out if you don't do anything about their wounds. So hurry up. " He was about to walk past when Mike grabbed him by the shoulders.  
  
" JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, IDIOT! YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN HURT, WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?? " The thief squinted before rolling his eyes. " How the fuck did you get in here anyway?? "  
  
" Easy. Vents. " He snickered. The grape shook his head with a chuckle. Applauding Scott with a grin.  
  
" Not bad. You're clever for a thief. " Scott budged him playfully. " Heheh... Alright, wait here while we handcuff these guys. " And so the two cops got to work on it. Practically forgetting that-  
SCOTT IS A CRIMINAL AND WANTS TO AVOID GETTING ARRESTED.  
So when they turned around to grab Scott, he was no longer there. " ... Shit. " Vincent looked to Mike. Unsure if the other was pissed off or not.  
  
But he wasn't. He had a slight smirk.  
  
" Maybe this is for the best. " Mike shrugged with a smile. " He isn't bad or anything. Just a bit... much. "  
  
" Kinda like us? "  
  
" Maybe. " Vincent giggled.  
Nodding.  
  
" Yeah! And thanks to him, you didn't taze anyone! You're getting softer, Schmidt! " ... Mike glared at Vincent. " ... Mike-? " And the shorter tazed the grape.

* * *

Scott walked towards a white truck. Kicking at the side.

" Hey!! Don't kick my truck! " A blonde man growled, getting out of the vehicle. " Goddamn it, Scott. " The redhead glared. " Look, I lost my temper and just-  _had_ to kick you out of my truck. "

" While you were DRIVING??? "

" Look, we just. Need to get ready for a fight. Okay? We can't have anyone risking anything. Or Richard will have both our heads. "

" Whatever... "

" Now. We just need to find some idiots who'll help us out with getting rid of him. If we went to the cops, we'd be arrested while they look for him. " The thief rose a brow before tapping his chin with a smirk. " Ohhh...~ I know that smirk... Whatcha got in mind, Cawthon? "

" I think I know a couple of idiots who can help...~! As long as you make sure nobody gets Luna? "

" You have my word. "

**Author's Note:**

> This'll be a small thing I'll be updating if I feel like it-


End file.
